Sh¡ts and g¡ggles

Since the last post involved dealing with untimely situations, I decided that I should divulge a tragic event that I experienced in Shenzhen.

I was eating at a Chinese restaurant and I was engorged from the ridiculous amounts of food I ate.After awhile I noticed my stomach was tingling. I had a momentary panic attack in the restaurant because I had just recovered from my monthly blast off of 拉肚子 (Lādùzi). I also detest the idea of using a public restroom. The tingling decided that it was going to kick it up a notch from tropical depression to a category three hurricane.

At this point I decided to excuse myself from the table and go to the restroom. The restroom was located on the second story. I was completely relieved because it was after lunch time and no one was eating on the second level. That happiness was short lived as I discovered the toilets were squatters. I quickly got over this because that brewing category three was pushing its way to a category four. Just when I thought the end was in sight I realized there was no toilet paper. Of all the times I have used a public restroom why did this have to be the time there was no toilet paper? By this time Hurricane Katrina was making landfall and there was not much more I could so, so I took my place over the throne and popped a squat. Levees broke, gale force winds were ablowin', and sewage was floating everywhere. On a lighter note...I felt...lighter!

Oh! You want to know what I did to wipe, right? Well, I remained squatted for a few minutes longer because I had no idea what to do next. The only thing I knew was that someone up in the sky hated me by creating such a perfect storm or my problem solving creativity was being tested for Olympic caliber.

Stepping out of the doorless stall I walked into the upstairs dininer area hoping there would be napkins. Again, someone hated me because there was not even a shrivel of paper available. Then, I look to my left and I see two rags used for cleaning tables. I cringed a bit and then I thought about the horrid things my buns were about to introduce to these rags.

I wiped with the first rag and realized I was not being efficient. Who in the world would ever have to think about efficiently using a rag to wipe their tush? I decided that the rag had enough smattering of intestinal after birth. I now implemented the wipe, wipe, rinse method. After a few moments of my new and improved method for wiping the tush and praying no one would com into the bathroom, I was finally done.

I think I spent 15 - 20 minutes in the bathroom. I sincerely hope everyone has an experience just like this. Every moment was just as colorful, if not more, as I have described.


I hope this brings new meaning to the expression, 'shits and giggles.'